Diary

Continued and finished my clay gas mask in art class. Went on a study visit to the Modern Art Museum in Stockholm. Held a democracy themed scout meeting. Started watching Falsettos with my little brother, who was having a bad day.

This has turned into a really good day! The school day was short, only swedish class (greek myth analasys = super fun) and natural science (food chains and stuff = easy).

Came home did some nature science work, watched The Darjeeling Limited, and remembered I was not done with school stuff and did some preparations for continuing the myth analasys tomorrow.

Mom cooked a new dish for dinner, some sort of minced meat sauce with pasta (veeeerry good). I endured an episode of The Office while eating with family. Amazing day.

No lessons today, all of them cancelled. Rotting away instead of doing the work I now have time for. Or, not exactly rotting, more like running around cleaning my room.

I hate reading Pride and Prejudice, it is an agonisingly tedious process. Currently 16:15, and I have to read 42 pages of intelligeable old english, about rich british people just going to each other's houses, by 10:00 tomorrow.

Rainy as fuck today. Appearantly my moped problem is very easily fixed. It is an automaic, and there is a screw or something that decides how fast the idle running gear is. Anyway, it's fixable.

At the end of the school day we went on a study visit to two museums to draw masks. It was horribly timed to my scout meeting, so I had to leave early into the still pouring rain and rush home to eat. I made a nice egg and salmon sandwich that was really good. I wish I would have had time to truly enjoy it.

Scout meeting was fun, the new recruits seem to get along with the second-years. Came home and watched the last episode of Halston.

My moped is fucked up in some way. Whenever I start it, is pumps the gas on its own, even when the handle is turned all the way off. I hope I can get some help to fix it.

Came home and read some Pride & Prejudice for school. Watched a new series, Halston. Ewan McGregor with an American accent gets gay sexed on screen multiple times.

Today me and my family went to the abandoned tunnel (between Liljeholmskajen and Västberga) and I got to show my my younger brothers the old tracks and trains. We climbed around and they got to tag a bit on a cool high-up place. Afterwards we went and ate overpriced icecream.

I can feel autumn approaching behind all this heat. This is probably the last summer weekend this year.

Short day. In the morning it rained so I couldn't take my moped. In school I presented a small powerpoint on a Swedish artist (Linn Fernström) and we did more Pride and Prejudice listening and questions.

After school I went picked up my moped and drove it to my mom's place. It had been standing in the rain and I think I should get some sort of cover for it, because while riding it I thought something smelled like it was burning...

I bought some ink cartridges for my Lamy pen (blue ink), and also made a special something for a special someone <3

Now, let's go off topic. Why did I miss that on april 24, two military horses rampaged through London, and that people think it's an omen??? I love divine symbolism, why did none of you tell me??

Horse with a lot of blood on it (but it looks pretty cool)

If you let me, my interpretation is of course related to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. According to the Book of Revelation, the horsemen represent Conquest (white horse), War (red horse), Famine (black horse), and Death ("pale" horse), and they came in that order.

A white horse, turning red from it's own blood, with a black horse... wreaking havoc without their military "horsemen", that have lost control over them...

This weekend has to have been one of the best in my life! Saturday was spent fooling around on the computer and relaxing, until the evening, when I went out with J to a party. It was hosted by the my school's theatre majors, and they had invited the art majors to come too.

The party was in a sort of amphitheater made of benches in a park, on theme for the theatre majors, and it was probably one of the best parties I've been to so far. I managed to get properly drunk off of J's bag-without-box sangria that tasted like glögg. I enjoyed conversations with friendly people I had never met before.

Me and J spent the night at my mom's empty apartment, super fun time. The next day (today), we woke up slowly and made some hot dogs for lunch.

Went home to dad's and relaxed. My dad and my brother had went shopping, and had bought new jeans for me. My brother had found an amazing Adidas jacket that I am evry jealous of. I will have to start stealing his clothes, as he does with mine.

Today in school we had a sort of activity day, where the oldest grade made up stuff for us to do. It was very disorganised and stressful, btu still fun through it all. My group came in third place in total.

After this I went home and rotted on the internet until my dad grabbed me to go eat at a hamburger restaurant. Now I'm back to rotting. Or I wouldn't call what I do on the computer "rotting", I am very productive in a sense, but it still feels like it.

Today was insanely good! I woke up by myself at the perfect time, there were no bikes to compete with on the way to school, the english lesson was easy, the lunch break was long and broccoli soup was served (stupid good).

In sport class we played badminton (easy and fun) and ended with streching (really needed it), I rode home without having to panic about bikes and having no turn signals, focused on and finished an english assignment (proud), managed to run down and buy a microwave pizza and eat it before going to my scout meeting.

We planned the oncoming term, it rained and thundered outside (very cozy), went home again without any troubles, AND NOW I'm here, writing this diary entry about my amazing day!

School was good. Went to the bank to make a separate second account for my savings. Nothing special today

Anyway, I want to talk about something that I have started doing that really helps me with remembering everything. I have a small notebook (specifically A5 size) that I always bring to every lesson in school. I always keep it on my desk through the lesson, beside the regular books and my computer.

In this notebook, I flip to a new page every day and write down the date. Then, throughout the day, I write down everything I think I should remember later. Assignments, times to keep track of, keywords to google, poetic thoughts, thing I want to watch, stuff I want to buy, cool websites, ANYTHING. And then, whenever I have time, I deal with the "tasks" or sort them into their own lists.

It's a spin on a "commonplace book", focusing on making one to-do list every day. It really has helped me so far, and I reccomed you get something similar if you feel like you get a million ideas thoughout the day but they always dissapear when you need them.

The first week of proper school starts now. My whole idea of doing my assignments as soon as possible is working so far! I hope it is because of my personal motivation, and not because we haven't gotten any real assignments yet...

Today was a lot. Mostly because I had prepared myself for a relaxing Sunday of just watching movies and youtube. Turned out I had to go back and forth all over town.

First I rode my moped, with basically no fuel in it, to pick up some lamb bones from J. Then I rode back home and relaxed until my friend A asked if I was coming or not. This is where I remembered her birthday party was today. Took the metro to her party and ran around playing games there (we are always very childish at her birthday parties).

Then I had to go home early, take a shower and eat something before a meeting with my scoutleader collegues to discuss the new term for our unit.

The meeting ended at 21:00 and then I had to take the metro to go get my moped again, buy and mix fuel, and THEN FINALLY go home and go to sleep. It was too much for an unprepared mind.

I realise that now with the school starting, I might not update the diary, or the whole site, as much. Pretty sad, but I'll try to write at least a sentence or two.

Yesterday J came over and relaxed after school. We had a sleepover. Woke up today and took the day slowly. Made some hash (the food, not drug) and ate icecream as dessert. Tried to sit on the balcony but there were a billion wasps, so I got scared and we sat inside.

J has hyped up the Inteview with a Vampire series, so I have decided I should watch it too. Appearantly it's as homo as it can get. I also remembered the Russian tv-series Даёшь Молодёжь, need to start watching that again.

First day of school, impressively little happened. I need to decide what else I should do today... Watch movies?

I messed around a bit with the Zone, realised a nickname for a character wouldn't be logically possible and went down to my little brother's room to bother him about it.

Watched him play a game called "Dialtown", and got to play some myself. Very fun game! Super weird and homemade, I love it.

We contemplated buying "Papers, please" and showed my brother the amazing short film inspired by the game (GO WATCH IT). This distracted us, and appearantly my brother had my old account's music playlist saved!

This account was made with my old defunct school e-mail, so I can't log into it, but I had also forgotten the username UNTIL NOW! Now I can listen to all those artist I forgot about!

Anyone else who was really into those artist making covers of vocaloid song? My favorite was (and I guess still is) miy_yuu. He made a cover of Aishite that got really popular, his voice is AMAZING.

Woke up late and have rotted since. School starts tomorrow, feeling pretty ok about it, which is new for me.

I have spent a lot of time on my Listography, planning routines and such. It's really fun actually, I think I'm going to take real control of my life this school year! Step one on the road to success is sadly cleaning my desk though, so we'll se how that goes...

It went good! My desk is clean now and I feel like I can breathe in my room again. I can finally comfortable sit here with my laptop, and not in the living room slouched over on the coffee table. Highly reccomended for those interested!

I have now spent two hours on identifying air max models on pinterest, at the request of noone, and damn if I don't have the urge to make some sort of archive of every shoe ever made. Every website I can look at to find them are online stores, and most of them get the colorway wrong. A shrine might be neccessary.

About that, I really wish I had the energy to actually make shrines. It's weird, since shrines are only about things you are interested in, usually the only thing it takes to make me motivated. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to make them have unique layouts...

Woke up at J's, scared him while he was eating breakfast. Sat with him on the train to his school. Hopped of and went to my dad. Made a Listography!

Bought sneakers. Too stressed out to buy jeans. Ate an icecream. Very tired and sweaty

Ok, sorry big fucking vibe and topic change here. I have been writing this diary entry throughout the day and now I have just learned something I have to write about.

Appearantly, when I was like 10, my mother got pregnant with my ex-step-dad and had an abortion, and that was the beginning of their relationship ending. The thing I want to write about is: when she said it I felt a moment of anger that she did it! Which is really weird because I am pro-abortion!

I just though about my possible sibling that I now never will meet. But like, that is exactly what "pro-life" people say... I was really scared that my brain jumped to such opinions automatically.

This is a great example of one of the maxims I live by: Your opinion is not whatever your reflex reaction to new information, it is your second reaction to your reflex reaction that is your realy opinion.

(If you see a fat person, and your reflex thought is "they should eat less", that is not your opinion, especially not if it's followed up by the thought "wow, that's not so nice, I should work on my internalised fatphobia".)

If I actually thought abortions were immoral I would still be angry about it. Instead I used my understanding of the situation to form an opinion. Facts vs Feelings, bitches! Hit em with the Ben Shapiro when they least expect it...

Now I'm going to pick up a package for my mom and buy a checkbook at the book store! Peace and Love!

Today I spent the majority of the day cleaning my grandparents' house. They are very old and can not take care of themselves very good anymore.

After this I was very tired and ate lentil soup. Then I went over to J and had a sleepover. He starts school tomorrow, but I start at Wednesday.

Woke up, took a shower and went to graffiti event. I did a sort of blockbuster-y piece, turned out pretty bad, but I guess not too bad for my first time.

I was supposed to go to a breakdance show too, but got to tired and stayed home. Watched youtube.

I relly don't like that I'm spending the last days of summer rotting inside. I will challenge myself to not be home tomorrow.

Yesterday I went with J to see Mamma Mia at an outdoor cinema event thing, that was fun too. I met a lot of fun people there.

But, today I went to the first meeting for my gender dysphoria evaluation!! The psycologists seem nice and reasonable, it went pretty good. But just as during my autism evaluation, I now realised again that I really do not remember anything further back than two-three years. My parents filled in everything about my childhood, and it all felt like an entierly different life. Like something I've read or seen on TV.

Later, I met up L to give back her friend's headphones she lost and ended up going out with her and A. Had a LOT of fun, really explored my alcohol tolerance level. Turns out if I just fucking drink instead of worry about throwing up after a sip, I can get to a very nice level!

We walked around aimlessly, then went to the same outdoor cinema event (this time showing Barbie) and met the same people as yesterday. I really enjoyed myself.

Ended up being to late for me to go home, since trains to where I live stop going much earlier now that the summer holiday is techincally over, so I (and L) slept over at A's house.

I'm sunburnt and a bit sick, but I'm back from the scout camp! This was probably the best camp I've been to so far in my scout career. I had so much fun, I got to both do interesting activities AND have free time to relax with friends.

I am also slowly climbing up into the higher ranks socially. That sounds kinda fucked up, but I mean it in the way that people recognise me and trust me. When I take initiative to do something, others actually listen and follow along. It is not often that happens.

If you've ever been in a social group, you know about the charismatic, funny person that always sort of is in the center of attention. I've almost never been that until when I started gymnasium, and now at this camp.

I feel like this reads like my goal is for my friends to worship me or whatever, but that is not at all what I mean. I am becoming more and more confident through the years, and sometimes it just feels really fucking good to be seen and heard, OKAY??

In other news, I miss J so much I might actually explode. He comes back from a lengthy family reunion-thing on Monday, we have not seen eachother for almost three weeks :(

Today I have packed for a week-long scout camp that starts tomorrow. I'm trying to act as tired as possible, to trick my brain into thinking I am actually tired, so I can sleep a full seven hours before I have to get up again.

Today we woke up very late and went to Armémuseet (the Army museum) after J went there and said it was cool. The exhibition went in cronological order and was filled with different uniforms, weapons and trophies from differents wars.

It was objectively very interesting, but the air conditioning was non-existent, so me and my family were super sweaty. We were also super drowsy due to some sort of light oxygen loss. I'm not even kidding, the second we stepped outside we felt energized again. Turns out you need oxygen to live!

Anyway, I bought this gayass coffee tray in the gift shop, 10/10 would go again.

I really like that my life has slowed down now after five weeks of work. I began the day with trying to revive my russian studying, which worked out fine until I got bored. Then I painted a GIANT artfight attack, it came out pretty goddamn good!

Then I made some small stickers for another artfight attack and went on a walk to put them up. I fucking love having time to be outside at night, it's literally all I ever want to do.

ALSO, after the stickers were up I kept walkig around and tagging. While I was writing on a trashcan I heard like music behind me? It sounded like either a car with windows rolled down or someone with a small handheld speaker was like four meter away, so I stopped writing and walked away on a small path right beside the trashcan as quickly as I could without actually running, AND THE MUSIC LIKE FOLLOWED ME?

I could not hear any footsteps, just the music, and it did not increase or decrease for like a full actual 10 seconds. I didn't look behind me, because that would imply some sort of guilt or that I was "escaping". It was super creepy, at first because I though I was gonna get confronted (at best annoying, at worst dangerous), and then it was creepy because it was appearantly a music ghost following me!

Today was nice and slow. Woke up and made some artfight attacks. My dad cut my little brother's hair and he was not happy with it. I think it looks pretty good.

Went to Fotografiska (Photographic museum) with my dad to check out their Shepard Fairey exhibition. It was cool. There was music playing in the whole exhibit, but not like stereotypical museum music, it was literally just a playlist of songs Shepard Fairey likes lol. It felt like I was at a much smaller, homemade exhibition, which probably means it worked.

I've been home for a while now, I think I will go out to make some graffiti artfight attacks later.

Today I have turned 17 years old!! I celebrated with my family at our country house. This year not so many people came, which is fine because I usually get overwhelmed by all the attention being put on me.

I got some cool stuff:

At the showing of the metal plates today, I ran through some low hanging leaves and ran right into a thick, cut-off branch and scratched three big marks on the side of my face.

Artist's rendition made in MSPaint:

Now I am finally finished with work for this summer. I am going to rest for about a week, then I'm going to a scout camp for a week, but at least it's not more work!

We are done with everything at work and tomorrow is the last day. We are inviting family to come see the metal plates and eat pizza.

After work my family and my mom's boyfriend's family went to a mall to drive go-carts. It was so much fun, I don't think I should be allowed in a car because I will drive it like a maniac.

Worked, came home, worked on the site. J came over for a last hang-out before he goes out of town. We watched the first episode of "Sherlock Hound" by Hayao Miyazaki. We had to watch it dubbed because J can't read subtitles, which was....fine. The sacrifices I make for my boyfriend....<3

After work me and some collegues I hang out with tried to make a movie. We have started writing a script and I think we will continue working on it, because it had some interesting ideas. I'm going to try to make some artfight attacks today.

Woke up pretty late today and pretty much immediately went outside with my dad to wait for my grandma in her car. We went to the studio of the deceased artist Evert Lundquist, now turned into a small museum. We picked up J on the way too.

The studio was really cool, a lot of art supplies, books and funny notes seemingly reminding Evert to eat and drink (relatable). It felt nice seeing that not every artist have a clean workspace, as it very often is presented as on the internet.

Evert's studio is located close to the place where Sweden's king and queen lives, and sort of is on their grounds. There is a lot of big parks with hedges, statues, decorative tree avenues and stuff like that. So when we felt done for the day we went out and had a picnic in the grass. Very nice experience overall.

Yesterday when I hung out with J, he wanted to give me my birthday present early, since he won't be here for my actual birthday. He gave ma a bunch of graffiti supplies and I am so happy with them! I love him so much :)

We got to use the can of Montana Schwarz he gave me when we went out and put up an attack for artfight that I posted today for ArtsyVin. We biked around the city between my mom's place and his place to gather and leave supplies. I hadn't rode a bike in forever and I had forgotten how much your legs hurt. But it felt amazing to finally be outside in the city night as I had waited for the whole school year.

Right now I was outside on a tagging patrol and trying out my early birthday presents. I really liked the silver PX-30 paintmarker, chrome really is something else...

Today at the summer job we started painting the motifs we made. We are supposed to do it in the tunnel itself to "activate" the place, meaning we have to carry everything we need to the tunnel every day. It is not the most efficient, but I'm fine with it.

Took my moped to the job and when I was driving to my mom's apartment I didn't stop where I should have. I turned the missed exit into "huh, wonder how it feels to drive like over there" and just kept going forward until I got to the inner city. While I waitied at a red light, my moped decided to behave eerily close to how it behaves when it has no fuel left. I panicked, quickly led it off the road, apologising to the cyclists around me, and called my mother's boyfriend. He has a motorcycle himslef and taught me most of what I know about mopeds.

He looked at it, shook it around, revved it for a while and finally stated that there was nothing particularly wrong with it. It is just that when it is idle running it might sputter and seem a bit out of control. The fact that I was so nervous drivng in a new and very crowded place made me assume the worst.

I am becoming better and better every time I ride my moped, so I will continue to push boundaries like this, so I won't be so scared.

I am continuously surprised at how little we do at my summer job. Today we started with tracing the motifs onto the metal sheets so we can paint them, but after that me and like six others were told to just animate in procreate??

I'm not complaining, I used the time to work on artfight attacks but still, we ar egetting payed by the state (a.k.a. with taxpayer money) to sit around, eat cookies and fool around on ipads?

Also, I didn't write what I did yesterday, but that work day was the same! Me and some others were told to go to a museum for like three hours. Not to gather inspiration or anything (we wouldn't even need it since we are done with all the planning) just because if everyone was there and did stuff we would run out of work to do! I understand why, but like maybe give us a shorter work day or something?

Anyway, I'm at my dad's place now, I rode here on my moped! A thing I can legally do! I really like that I can go basically anywhere pretty quick now. I love the metro with all my heart, but I think it can never top going by moped :)

Who cares what I did today, Molchat Doma released another song from their upcoming album Белая Полоса: Ты Же Не Знаешь Кто Я!! I do not like it as much as Сон, but it is still really good! It is different from anything by them I've heard before, the closest might be Мёртв внутри, Дискотек or maybe Небеса и Ад. Very electronic, feels like it would play in a sort of alien goth club.

A pattern for the new album seems to be a more layered soundscape than before (This might be wrong, I don't know proper music terminology). There are more sounds happening, and most of them are made electronically instead of with "actual" instruments.

The general vibe and sound of Ты Же Не Знаешь Кто Я made me think of Shortparis, which is weird for Molchat Doma, but I welcome it.

(I should make a review page...)

Today I had track driving as the finishing part of taking my moped license. I drove to the driving school too early and was confused because no one else was there. After I wandered between two different places both called the name of the drivng school, a few others turned up and I followed them to the right place. We went inside and put on heavy protective gear. It was not very fun to wear thick coveralls on top of fairly loose jeans, a sensory nightmare actually.

We all (me and three others) got in the driving instructors car and he drove to a parking lot in an industrial area. I was the only one who had ridden a moped before. We started by going in the shape of an eight (8) around two cones for probably like half an hour, then moved on to slalom driving between cones for another half hour.

After that we did a braking practice, where you went fast a longer distance and then start breaking at the cones. It was here that I went too fast for the front break to function properly and I was thrown down on the pavement and slid a full two meters together with the moped.

You'd expect that to be super scary, but due to the very strong and cushioning gear it was actually really fun, believe it or not! It's hard to describe, but without the pain of ripping your face on asphalt, it was just another version of going fast! And it felt more real that jsut driving fast, I could feel the ground moving underneath me. I will however never go that fast, like, in traffic or something, only under contolled circumstances like this.

Yesterday I smoked weed for the first time. It was not that great, kind of a disappointment. I just felt lightheaded and my throat burned really bad, because I've basically never even smoked cigarettes before. I wanted to go to sleep the whole time, while J basically bounced around in his seat.

He slept over and when we woke up we watched the Swedish series "Torka aldrig tårar utan handskar" (Don't Ever Wipe Tears Without Gloves) and cried. It was really good, I loved Paul. A review is up on Letterboxd

From today and forward I am going to be home alone! I look forward to relaxing and seeing if I actually can take care of myself. I also rode my moped in the city for the second time in my life, from my mom to my dad to pick up some stuff, and then back to mom again.

I was really nervous because 1: It was the first time I would drive in the city alone (the first time I followed my mom's car) and 2: There is a pretty scary part where the bicycle lane (where I am allowed to drive) goes out into the actual street and not beside the sidewalk. But I made it!

I am very proud of myself for being brave, I now know that driving in the city is not that much different from driving on the countryside. On the countryside you can relax while driving, and in the city you can not, but otherwise it's the same.

It felt amazing to drive after I think almost two years of my moped being in my mom's boyfriend's garage. I had almost forgotten how to drive it and I had DEFINITELY forgotten how good it feels to drive fast. Well, around 25 km/h is not that fast but still, it's much faster than a bicycle!

Another thing: I should start putting dates on the things I write for the Library. I keep going back and editing them, and it destroys the stream of consiousness I had when I first wrote it. Or maybe I should create a separate place for my writings that are always evolving, like the lists or my "manifesto"... I save that for tomorrow, I'm going to bed now.

Today I am FINALLY home again after spending two weeks away from my computer. I have been doing volounteer work on an island named Vässarö owned by the Stockholm Scout District. It has been a little bit fun and a big bit exhausting.

My job area is named "Intendenturen" or just "Inten". Google translate tells me the English word is "commissariat"? Anyway, my job was, together with like 7-10 others, to keep track of all the food on the island and make sure it gets to the right places. I basically worked in a pantry for two weeks lol

Every day I woke up for breakfast at 08:03 (the specifc number appearantly makes it easier for people to be on time?), after that I worked until lunch at 12:15. After lunch I worked until dinner at 17.15 and hopefully at 18:00 the shift would end. But it only did a very few times, we often worked until around 20:30. For 4 SEK/hour. Great motivation.

Every now and then people write articles critisizing Vässarö since it might actually count as illegal to have mostly underage people working long hours for such low pay as the backbone of your facility, but since it is completely volountary to work there, it doesn't really matter.

Nobody comes there for the pay. We get to hang out with fellow scouts, do pretty fun work and learn useful skills for when we get real jobs in the future. If it was actually horrible to work there, people wouldn't be coming back.

The main reason why I am so exhausted was that I could not handle the constant human interactions, and that Inten was my fourth choice. I much rather wanted to work the tractor job and do some nice physical work outside, or the bakery job, that seemed so much more chill.

Tomorrow I start my "real" summer job, where I get payed the much more agreeable 90 SEK/hour. Now I am going to rest and watch movies so I can be weel rested for tomorrow, although I think my new job will feel like a vacation compared to Vässarö :)

Woke up late and worked on catalogueing my wardrobe. Then I went with my father and brother to check out an apartment we might move to. It was very nice, the best one so far. I would get my own room, with so much floor space I could put a rug there... I hope the exchange works out.

Since we came home from the viewing I have been practicing for the driving theory exam tomorrow. I am so extremely stressed out ecause I cant remember anything and there are (actually. not lying.) 1027 questions in total. That is way too many.

I also have so much other stuff I have to do. I have to wake up early tomorrow and go to my mother to pack for two weeks of volounteer work on an island, after that I have to go do this driving exam, after that I have to go back to my father and clean because the woman who might move here is going to look at the place, and then we are going to go to our cottage in the countryside for Midsommar, where my boyfriend J will have to wait for us for seven hours because we can't pick him up from his job and I feel horrible about it!

And these are only the things I have to do tomorrow. I keep stressing over artfight and hanging out with people while I can, and then all of this combines with the stress of the hundreds of different things I want to learn, all the ideas for stories and artworks that I am not skilled enough to do and a general stress that I am wasting my free days and I will feel uncomplete my the end of the summer.

It's like my brain adds evrything I have/want to do to a list in my mind that is constantly hovering above me, but I can't remember anything that is written on in. My memory is the most reocurring problem in my life. I hate not remembering anything. It is one of the big reasons I even made this site: to document everything I do.

I hear bad memory is a sign of neurodivergency, as many other problems in my life are, but ever since I was diagnosed with "not enough problems to be autistic but many autistic traits" I don't know what is wrong. I suspect one of the reasons I wasn't diagnosed with autism, is that I could not answer any questions about my childhood. Because I could not remember.

I just want people to believe me. No , scratch that, I want my mother to believe me. I want her to realise that every thing she has said to me has affected my life, because she doesn't realise that somehow. She told me it's disrespectful that I am not spending every day studying for the driving exam, because it cost her and father a lot of money. Which it did, but now I am here stressing over all this money being wasted and every qustion I get wrong feels ten times worse. And sorry people, self-hate is NOT A MOTIVATION. It just makes you want to quit.

My step-dad cut my hair today. It came out...not like I wanted it, but still pretty cool. I kinda look like David Bowie.

Had my first theory lesson in driving, it was fine. The teacher is very fun but I realised I get very exhausted being around (not to sound like an edgelord) ""normal"" people. I assume that is very relateable to other gay, trans and otherwise strange people.

I felt like I was back in middle stage, when I went to public school. In high stage, I switched to an alternative school that focused on and generally attracted people who did not do so well in normal school situations for different reasons. There were no "normal" people there. Sure, there were people who dressed in mainstream fashion and had mainstream interests, but they still had some sort of difference about them, that made them feel real.

In this driving class, people appeared normal and were just that. Normal, standard people. And I have not been around, and sort of forced to interact with, standard people for 4 years. I immediately felt myself revert back into that constant alert "what if they're laughing at me" anxiety, it was horrible. But I have decided to try and make conversation at the lesson tomorrow, I have to get over this fear.

What else has happened today... oh, Artfight team reveal! I have no special preference for Seafoam, nor Stardust, which is good because then I am happy with whatever I get randomly selected into.

My little brother is celebrating something in the fandom he's in so he made chocolate cake, but I have to go to bed like right now to get up tomorrow :(

The party yesterday was fun. We grilled marshmellows in a park. Me and another guy don't like carbonated drinks, so we went on a little solo adventure for about 40 minutes trying to find a store that was still open so could buy apple juice lol

Today, I have tried to read some of the driving exam material but there are so many words and chapters of stuff I sort of already understand, like the imporance of wearing a helmet and to not let negative peer pressure make you drive reclessly.

But, inbetween all these things I know, there are super important stuff, like explaniations of words used when reffering to mechanisms and such. It is very annoying.

I have only read 40 out of the total 137 pages, and I have rotted away watching Tagmachine videos the rest of the day. I feel very useless. The course cost my parents a lot of money and I am not showing respect for it. I really want to get my moped driving licence, but whenever I pick up the book I want to do anything but read it.

The actual in person course starts this weekend, I techincally don't have to read anything now, but I want to make quick progress. It is always good to prepare.

Today I picked up the material I will study for my moped driving exam! I am a bit nervous that I will forget everything, but I will worry about that later.

My brother is having a get together wit his friends on the balcony, they went on summer break today. It seems they are having fun.

I'm cooking some lunch for myself, feeling pretty bored. I havn't gotten excited about the class party later tonight yet but I know it will be fun.

God damn it, I forgot the pasta and it overcooked.

SCHOOL'S OUT BAYBEE!!! Our class went to a park, ate roll cake and played games. Afterward me and some friends went to a record store and browsed. I didn't find anything I wanted to buy, because Russian records usually aren't prioritised in Swedish stores, but my friends found some cool stuff :)

SPEKING OF RUSSIAN MUSIC: MOLCHAT DOMA RELEASED A SONG FROM THEIR NEW ALBUM BELAYA POLOSA AND I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!! The album will be released 6th September. I wanna make a countdown widget on here. Actually that is a very fun idea, there is a lot of things I want countdowns to!

Very happy to finally be free. Tomorrow our class will have a small party in a park to celebrate, I'm bringing J as my +1 and we will have fun! Unless it rains. You never know with Swedish summer...

Today I cleaned out my locker. This is the last thing we have to do before summer break, which starts tomorrow. It only took like maybe two hours, if you count the time spent on public transport, so it was basically not even a school day.

Due to the short day there was no lunch, and due to me being stupid I have not eaten anything since breakfast. I just realised that I am lying I ate salmon with potatoes and roe sauce and it was good. what the hell. I think I have a problem with food. I eat giant portions but I never feel full. I am always hungry again an hour after I eat. Not fun.

Drew Pom for his Artfight profile. Turned out pretty good. I have to stard turning my analog sketches into digital art, I think that workflow is good for me.

I have also started watching the youtube channel HIVEMIND, and I am mad that the universe hheld them from me this long, they are so funny.

It turns out that when I have nothing to do, I go on walks, and when I go on walks, I tag. So I went in a direction I have walked many times before, but took a new turn that I had appearantly missed before and completely got lost.

The whole day there had been random periods of super hard rain, mixed with periods of idyllic sunshine, so I already gambled a little by going outside. Now that I was lost, I started to realise that this sunshine period probably wouldn't last much longer.

It was also very toy of me to go out and tag right after it rained, there were basically no surfaces to write on.

Anyway, I somehow came to this ledge with a super nice view, and you could see the rain clouds moving in the distance. I soon realised that they were in fact moving towards me, but I didn't care, because the view of the rain slowly coming in over the water was absolutely insane.

(The pictures are ass, as always, but you'll just have to use your imagination to spice it up. I reccomend zooming in or something so you can see the whole image better.)

Sweden's National Day and my grandfather's birthday! Celebrated with extended family. Talked about my summer jobs and the many dead animals that nature keeps basically dropping into my lap. Turns out a hunting team has a discarding spot pretty near my grandparent's house, and you can find piles of wild boar skeletons there. I will have to go check it out sometime.

At around midnight I was so mad at myself for not being productive that I went outside (even though I had been to a whole ass birthday party). I went to a pretty newly built area and tagged a bit around an eerie skatepark that didn't have ANY graffiti at all. I felt like someone was watching me the whole time. Super creepy.

This actually did not make me feel more productive, as I always choose to experiment when I absolutely should not, and everything I write comes out like shit because I never practice. I am a learning by doing type of guy but like THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR LEARNING, THIS IS A SHOW OF SKILL. I am very mad at myself right now.

I did the fucking English assignment finally! It was about British and American language history, could not care less. The text felt very icky on the whole 'colonization of a fourth of the entire world' part. It even referred to Britain as 'civilised' compared to other European coutries...massive red flag...

Appearantly I have one assignment left: a short summary of how I thought this years Digital Art class was and that I can get done pretty fast. After that I'm done!!

I am thinking of bringing back my status.cafe profile. I liked the easy quick blogging. But I also didn't? Maybe I'll try it out for a little bit, see if it is nice. Later.

Came home from Muskelrock today. Every year it feels more and more important to talk to all the people I meet at the festival. According to my mom everyone we talk to either has ill intentions or has something unlikeable about them, while I just see the coolest and funniest humans I have ever had the joy of meeting. Am I young and naive, or is my mom tipsy and burnt out?

I have ONE assignment left before I am done with everything this term (as far as I know). And I am procrastinating as I have never done before. I don't even feel bad that I'm not doing it. My english teacher can go die in a hole or something, I won't ever care about school in my life.

My graduation is in 9 days. 6 of these days there is no school, and the days where we are supposed to be present, it is only for cleaning and getting our final grades and other such things.

I am so excited for the summer break! I have a lot of fun stuff planned. First I will do two weeks of volounteer work at Vässarö, an island owned by the Swedish scout organisation. Then, after that I will work for money for three weeks, painting a wall mural??? I am very nervous but also excited. They are very similar emotions.

Also decided to open the website again after a month or so of construction.

Yesterday, I booked a time at 07:00 to use the communal washing machine in my apartment complex, because my mom yelled at me that I smell disgusting and that I need to wash all of my clothes. Didn't feel very good. I did not sleep and revamped my artfight account. At 06:00, I decided that it was time to get up. Put on some TagMachine videos in the background while I ate and eventually did the laundry. Wekman and his friends seem so fucking nice, I would love to both be them and be friends with them.

After laundry, me and my mom went down to the communal yard and got rid of leaves from the ground. This is when I found a big shimmering feather, and almost pissed myself with excitement. There was a dead magpie, all there for me to take. The head and most of the body was gone, but the wings and the legs were intact.

My mom was super grossed out. When she went back up again, I stayed and analysed the corpse. I picked away the down feathers and tried to find where everything connected. There were a lot of ants on the magpie, which I am used to, but then I saw a tiny, white and red thing fall down from one of the wings and start wriggling around on the ground. Maggots. I have never dealt with maggots before. I know ants, I know beetles. Not maggots.

What I have learned now, is that there are always more than you expect. I don't want to tell you everything I had to do, but I'll tell you the worst part. It was one of the legs. It still had a small sort of "pant leg" with feathers, above it clean bone, below it the talon. I used a small stick to strech the skin open. I could only get a small gap, but I could see that the whole "pant leg" was filled with larvae, eating up the muscles underneath the skin.

And while I separated the different parts into those I wanted and those I would leave behind, I heard a fast, chattering caw echo down at me. I was scared by the sudden harsh noise and when I looked up at one of the balconies, a magpie meets my gaze. The Tumblr post I absorbed a few years ago about magpies holding funeral-like rituals for their dead peers flashed in my mind and I realised that I was a graverobber.

We stared at each other, me and the magpie. It flew here to visit a grave, only to find my hands dissecting his dead brethren into desirable and less desirable parts. I lowered my head and tried not to think too hard about eugenical and colonial archeology. The magpie swooped down with another caw, and as my fight or flight respone kicked in, it swiftly landed in the tree behind me. I felt horrible.

After I had taken up the dead magpie to my room, we went to my grandparents to clean their yard. Their pool is green and filled with rotting leaves and pollen floating on the surface. I started clening it out with a net and found a bunch of fun animals. A bunch of water striders, cute boat shaped bugs that I don't know the name of and a lot of dead spiders. But then, in one net scoop, there were two slithery things. Salmanders!

Me and my brother held one each in our hands and looked at them. Their skin felt just like those cheap strechy toys you get in capsule machines. In Sweden we have two kind of native salamanders, "the bigger" and "the smaller". These were of the smaller kind. We don't really know what to do with them, but I really want to move them to another place before grandfather turns on the chlorine again and kills everything.

Today I am surprised that I feel so calm and happy... I have a lot of school work I should be stressed about. I think it's because the weather is so fucking nice outside that I can't care about anything else. Perfect timing that school has all the big final exams right now, when all you want is to be outside...

Yesterday was Valborg. It is a Swedish holiday where we have a big fire to scare away witches (you know how it is) and it's a great excuse to gather and get stupid drunk.

I was at Hopppacken in Enskede with J, didn't have much fun. It was full of people everywhere and we had to run up and down the hill after J's friends, and away from the encroaching police, all evening.

J let his friend borrow his power bank, and when he tried to get it back, the friend who had it wouldn't answer the phone. We gave up after a while and decided to go back home without the powerbank.

We walked back to the subway and it was closed down due to the crowd. You couldn't even get on the platform. Panicked, we squatted down by a house wall and tried to think of what to do. We were discussing how long it would take to walk on foot to get home, when a girl I was in the same unit as at the scout jamboree in South Korea called out to me.

We akwardly greeted each other and she explained that she and her friends were going to the tram not so far away. We hadn't even thought of the tram. Saved from the sidewalk, we tagged along and went home. We have now both sworn to never again go to events with 4000 participants.

Unfortunately I didn't go to any protests today. I thought I was going to do schoolwork but instead I just rotted away at home.

This morning I found out that I don't have autism, but I do have traits of autism. I need help in school and in life, but I don't have the paperwork for it. It doesn't feel great.

Otherwise, this was a pretty good day. Like nothing happened at school and since I got home I've been playing S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (SoC). My goal is to actually try to play properly so that it doesn't lock me in some bug.

Just finished the fucking article summary, been stressing about the deadline the whole day. I saw the musical "Lazarus" by David Bowie with my family, it was really cool. There were people walking around with cameras filming the actors and it was projected onto a semi-transparent screen in front of the stage while you could like see the actors through it. I can't explain right now, but it was like both theater and film at the same time. Very cool.

Feeling a little empty after mom's birthday party. It was a lot of fun there. Mother had rented a photo machine that printed two copies of all the pictures taken, one was to be taken home and the other was to be put in a box for mom. Me and my brother played the song we practiced and everyone said we were good.

Today, I did nothing, even though I should have. Dad is at some birthday party. I got so mad at my cell phone that I bit it. The glass cracked and the screen was fucked up. Won't be able to listen to music or contact anyone quickly for a while :(

The lesson I should be having right now is cancelled and I should actually make an article summary for the English, but it just doesn't work. School has never felt this overwhelming before. It is probably stress pouring over from my plans for after school.

I will have to go to all the way to Norrviken and pick up stuff I bought at Blocket (online marketplace) and it will take about two hours there and back, and THEN I have to pick up my bass and then go to my mother's birthday party, where I will preform a song together with my brother!

So fucking bored in math class right now. Will get F on the national test. I sometimes wish I cared enough to commit to school, especially math. Then there is also some fucking article presentation that has to be done in English as well. I hardly want to do things I actually think are fun, how am I supposed to be able to also do shit at school? Even the art lessons aren't that nice either. I never like the assignments, we never get to do things that we actually think are fun. And I know you have to learn the rules in order to break them but it's boooringhhh >:(((

Practiced a song for my mother's birthday party at Studiefrämjandet (a sort of public service where you can borrow different music equipment and stuff) with my little brother. It went really well, when I finally gave up the idea (delusion) that I can sing... First time I've been in a proper studio haha

Also found out my little brother kept watching Внутри Лапенко (crazy good youtube series) without me because he thought it was great. Now I finally have someone to talk to about it, even if it's my little brother (tönt).

420 woop woop. Hitler's birthday booooo.

Stockholm Culture Night tonight, very excited for it. Just tried making a homemade "solid marker"-esque pencil in a Carmex sleeve, it's not pretty. Not so pigmented, but it glides pretty well...? I also changed the tip of the homemade mop to the drip-nozzle thing that was on the bottle from the beginning, think it will be more fun. The tip I made myself squeaked and was really streaky.

I have poured a combo of the shoe polish-ink and the Pelikan-ink into the homemade mop, it works fine. A bit streaky but it stains quite well. Hopefully hard to buff.

Felt like I was going to throw up all day, don't know if I'm getting sick or something. Made a page for pictures. Did some more research on the track below Södersjukhuset. It is part of Beredskapsspåret (the preparedness track) and continues east, along the Södermalm island, all the way up to the Danviksbro bridge. That would be a fun walk. I have realised that I do not know that much about my own city and surroundings.

Have forgotten to update. Spring is really here. Removed the tarp from the balcony, hopefully it will be sunny this week so you can sit outside and take it easy. Went to the abandoned train track below Södersjukhuset for a photography lesson. (Should make a page for pictures I take...) Got foam rubber and Pelikan ink. Made a cape for the homemade mop with the foam rubber and torn sock. Tried with water, floated well. Will try it with ink soon.

I got a really nice bag from J's sister, it has many more compartments than my old one. I decided the ink was ready now and poured it into a glass bottle so it wouldn't eat through the plastic and explode.

I also started making a deck of cards inspired by classic Soviet and Russian prison cards (sacrifice some of your time and google, it's a very interesting topic). I cut pieces out of a cardboard bag and glue them together two by two to make them stronger.

Bought a small square drawing book, it fits perfectly in trouser pocket. Kept mixing the ink, accidentally made it worse with more acetone. When I was trying to make the "nib" I accidentally stuck it inside the bottle and had to take it out with a long screw. I had to pour the ink into a plastic jar and it started to swell so I made a small hole in the lid and put it in the bathtub so it doesn't explode in my room.

Tried making ink again. Bought nail polish remover and mixed with shoe polish. Went much better, just need to make the "nib", or whatever you want to call it, to the bottle better.

Tried making my own ink, didn't go well at all. I don't have any acetone to dissolve the shoe polish with, so now I've just wasted material. Stupid.

Made a Letterboxd account, thought it would be fun to have.